Hello all… I didn’t know where to turn! My girlfriend (I’m sure she is tired telling me he is no good for me, and me saying, “Yes! I know he is no good, but my heart won’t listen!”) gave me this site to check out. It has been 7 mo. now that he has been gone and only 11 days since I “pushed the 9” and I am crying my eyes out, hurting so bad, I have been doubled over in pain for 3 hrs… but the reason for that is the end of the story!
So I am seeking help after the many, MANY articles I have been reading and the videos I have watched about “running” from a psychopath is NOT working! I know my now x-fiancé’ is a psychopath, but my head and heart are at war! We are apart because he was extradited to Calf. from here in Ore on an eight year old charge of “assault with a deadly weapon”. I had bruises on my face when we met (the friend of a girl I helped, who was being abused by her husband, did not like me “butting in” and beat me up!) I never had been in a fight before… anyway, he seemed so VERY concerned and I fell head over heals… there was a definite “world wind” romance… he seemed too perfect! I kept thinking “I am too happy, there has got to be a “boom”! I had lost my husband of 27 years, 4 years earlier, my father, 2 years ago and my brother (we were close, shared the property my dad left) went missing (under suspicious circumstances) right after Ronnie and I met, that was 10 month ago and he has never been found!
Then Ronnie got arrested! It has been a horrible time, he made me feel so special! In the beginning I did have that “something’s wrong” gut feeling, but kept brushing it away until it stopped, thinking it was just me! Had to be me… and I had that I had not been with anyone since my husband died (suicide). He was bi-polar, and it was hard at the end, his depression got so bad, but we loved each other and had an overall loving marriage, both working on keeping it “Young and Alive” as we always said to each other.
When I met Ronnie, I thought I must be the luckiest girl in the world, most people do not find “true love” once in life, let alone twice! WOW, was I deluded, and even as I say that, I want to think there is hope! Our “love” saying was “Yeah/Wow!” Because our sex life was amazing! Then one day, after I was starting to realize that he wanted our relationship to go “stale” (which I could not understand) and I had caught him in a couple of lies, that he exploded and pushed me down, going down with me, putting his forearm down on my neck. (I would have normally fought back, but something told me I was in great danger and to be submissive) What was really something is that in the beginning, he told me ALL the bad things about him…
He “used” to beat all his girlfriends because “I thought that was the way to make them love me, but I know better now!” I had told him I had been through that before with my first husband, and would never allow that again! If he EVER put his hands on me, he was out! He told me how he had been in jail or prison most of his life, never really learned to live on the “outs” but wanted to change! And that he had Hep C… and yet all I could think was, “Man, he is being so honest, he must be for real!” It sure did not hurt that he was VERY handsome and charming! (I know! I have been studding for months now!)
I was “given a sign” (I believe, because of how it came, it was from my husband) after he abused me that I was to kick him out but the day after the sign, I woke up and said to God and my husband, “but, I love him!” 2 weeks later, April this year, he was arrested here in my home at 2:30 in the morning. His bail was $1,700,000! One officer told me it was a “statement!”
So, for 10 months now, I have provided phone call money, sent care packages he needed AND put money on his books. We talked every day for the first 3 months… then on the night of my birthday I had a dream in which I “received” another message (same kind of way as before) in which I was basically told to put his personality traits into the computer and of course as soon as I woke up, I put “charming, sexy, childlike, restless, irresponsible, liar, substance abuse and in and out of jail” (He changed if he drank 2 beers fast, he would use a straw…:) and he had to have to have at least one beer every day, he also admitted in the beginning he was an alcoholic, and that alcohol was involved every time he got into trouble with the law!) And, I always said I would NEVER be with an alcoholic, because both my parents were and the fights were “bloody”.
I was SO totally shocked, after I put those words into the search engine, How to survive a “psychopath” popped up at the top of the page!!! I have been watching every video and reading everything I can on the subject since and just found out that I m an empath. I have also been diagnosed in the past with depression and bi-polar 2. Ronnie passed Dr. Hares test with a 37 out of 40 AND I was being lenient! (you pass as psycopath with a score of 30 or above) I know now, after reading and watching so much on “psychopaths” that I am a major target! I also know that I am suppose to RUN not walk away and never have contact… but I am finding this hard because
1) I really love him! I want a small bit of hope for us, like maybe he is a sociopath (made not born that way) and he can find help and change. He even tells me, “I know I do not know what “real love” is, but you can teach me” and
2) he does not want me to “give up” on him… even though my mind tells me this is just so he can still get what he needs from me financially or because he knows I will research and fight for him (as I already have, to get his meds to him in jail or call his lawyer with this or that…) my heart says, “you should never give up on someone you love, because… maybe, you can “save” them!” Like, with Ronnie, maybe he can finally know love….
But of course, as I have learned, that is EXACTLY what he wants to portray, or convince me of, that this is what he wants, ONLY to keep me hanging on! And I do!… I want to stop, because I see that every time I talk to him, I hang up feeling so much worse, depressed, crying (I have never cried so much in my life, and I am a “crier” over everything!)… So I tell myself STOP! Then I hear that “recorded” message, ladies voice: “hello, you have a pre-paid phone call from… (I hear his voice) “Ronnie” an inmate in a California correctional…” and I run for the phone!
What hurts the most is the 3rd sign just happened on the very date of the 5th anniversary of my husband’s death, 10/17/16 (my husband was a very spiritual man, he loved Jesus and read the bible daily, one of his favorite numbers was 3) anyway, Ronnie called and woke me up to say that because he told his Dr that I thought he was miss-diagnosed bi-polar, that I thought he had “anti-social personality disorder” they were moving him from the “mental ward” (easier) to the general population (the killers) so now I am suppose to feel guilt that
I am the reason for this… even though I had told him I could not really talk or write about what I found out about him due to the fact that I did NOT want it to harm him in any way, since his trial or “deal” (he says he would be happy to get a 6 year deal, if he does not take it to trial) Yet, the trial is set to start the 2nd of Nov. so I am not sure they will offer him anything. BTW he is in a “3 strike law” state and this IS his 3rd strike so if he goes to trial and loses, he will get life! He is 50.
I have been writing this all night, it is now 5:00 am and since Ronnie has been gone, I have, not once, gone to bed willingly! I can’t! Most every night, I stay at my computer until something startles me awake and I then sleepily grab my Chihuahua and finally crawl into bed!
I am so tired of feeling “crazy” for knowing what I am suppose to do, yet not doing it because it will “kill me” not to hear his voice again! He wants us to at least be friends…. Yeah, Wow! And again, I know! Help!
It has now been 3 days since my girlfriend pushed the “9” when Ronnie called! (If you no longer want to receive calls) Don’t get me wrong, I let her, but 3 hours later I was crumpled on my kitchen floor sobbing my heart out… it hurt so much to know that he could not call! The next day his mother left a message saying that Ronnie called and wanted to know if I had blocked his calls… I did call her today and she knows I love him and as I started to tell her what I found out, she did not seem to be shocked by it. As I was crying and telling her I just am so confused and don’t know what to do, she said that I am the only one that can figure that out!
I do know I was the first person her son dated that she liked and I know she had high hopes that I would be good for Ronnie. She will let him know that I just need time to sort out my head and deal with this inner battle; I need to see what happens after a least 2 weeks of no contact. Of course I had to do this when his trial is set to start on the 2nd of Nov (It is 10/26) so I feel really bad knowing he will “need” to talk the day before, he always has, before a scheduled court date. It is also killing me NOT to know what is happening!
I just sure picked a GREAT time to try “no communication”
Second Addendum: It is 11/4 and I finally got the nerve up to look on line at the “case” events and saw that Ronnie took a deal, as always, No Contest/Guilty – 6 years in (any) state prison. I broke down, I have been crying for 3 hrs and my eyes hurt so bad… I just want to die… I don’t want to live without him and I know I can’t live with him, even if I were to wait for him, deep down I know it would turn out bad, SO, yeah… I feel like a walking crazy contradiction of a “nut job” and someone should just put me out of my misery!