Dear cocksucker and cockroach
Thank you both from the bottom of my heart. I am so happy you both entered my life.
Let’s start with you, cocksucker. So young and naive when I began seeing you at the young age of 20 that I didn’t believe I could possibly fall in love with an embarrassing, rude and idiotic fuckwit like you. Having never fallen in love before I thought I could practice sex on someone I didn’t regard and eventually walk away to find a real man. But how wrong I was, and the subsequent abuse and torment I endured for the next two years is a testament to how deeply I could love. I always fought back good…..but could never beat you. Foolishly, I always ended up believing your fake remorse and forgiving you for the physical and emotional acts of torture you carelessly inflicted. Your method – Idealise, devalue, discard. Over and over again.
How many tears I shed, and how many nights I drove at full speed all alone, screaming at the top of my lungs in vain attempts to release myself from the agony you frequently inflicted. I was a mad woman, yes I went fucking crazy, but that was all your doing.
The day I finally left your sorry ass, 27 January 2007, I walked away physically defeated from yet another physical altercation. Though mentally, victory was finally mine. In preparation for this day I had spent two months building my strength and seeing you not as a confused and remorseful soul – but as the evil you are. I was no longer fooled. As I got into my car with clumps of hair falling out at the slightest tug, I stared you straight in the eyes, and I reckon you knew I wasn’t coming back. I remember the look of desperation in your eyes. And you hid in your bedroom like a bitch when my sister came to your house with a baseball bat an hour later. Such a coward.
I said to myself never again will I be that fool. Never again will I suffer at the hands of an evil man. I thought I was aware of what warning signs to look out for. I had two very wonderful and loving relationships after you. But almost a decade later encountered a new breed of pig I had never experienced before…. And the warning signs I was prepared for never came. But you and he are one and the same. Psychopathic predators, cocksuckers, cockroaches.
This lesson started at 28. The cockroach was 36 years old at the time. I guess my loneliness at the time attracted this leech. You see, I’d spent 5 years of my 20’s in wonderfully loving relationships….and I’d been single for a year….hardly even dated. I grew bored and lonely, and in walked in Mr Cockroach. Great attraction, I wanted fun. But I got more than I bargained for.
We got along just fine, he was overly kind and considerate in my home and towards me, so I guess I dismissed my uneasiness to be related to the casual arrangement we had, since it was a new experience for me. All my senses led me to realise he was very promiscuous and a frequent liar….which didn’t fly with me. So after a few months I walked away after catching him in yet another lie. He came back a month or so later and because of the bullshit “connection” I felt and he faked I was able to forgive him. Things appeared to become more intense and feelings grew far stronger for me anyway….though I wasn’t sleeping with him because I was waiting to feel safe emotionally.
He persisted for months, with me occasionally succumbing to my physical urges. When my uneasiness wouldn’t settle I attempted to sever the pseudo-relationship, which only caused him to intensify his efforts, proclaiming his love on many occasions….which only kept me emotionally mixed up. You see I couldn’t see his evil because outwardly he was very polite to me…..I guess because he didn’t yell or call me names or hit me, I was fooled into thinking he was fundamentally good inside……despite his frequent lies, his occasional punishment through stonewalling me or ignoring me when I spoke my mind or tried to assert boundaries.
He played a covert game….he “loved” me with a knife behind his back. At this point I guess the cockroach would have felt a total loss of control, he did express how rejected he felt on a few occasions, and I empathised and offered explanations to validate his self esteem that at the time I felt genuinely responsible for. I was so worried and consumed by the situation that it took me weeks to slowly discover I was being followed through a gps in my car, that he hacked my phone, put a listening device in my bedroom vent, and under my kitchen table…..then he or his desperate drug addicted friends would spend hours throwing bbq heat beads at the roof over various parts of mine or my mum’s house…..follow me in various cars that I later learned he kept hidden in his other double garage which belongs to his dad. He would jump fences and shine torches in my back yard when I was home alone at night. Knock on my front door then run away at 2am to scare me. Prank call my mums house every week when I went there for dinner. Staked out my ex fiancés house and bombarded his house phone with pranks…and god knows what else he did. And I knew it was the cockroach because I saw no one else. This went on for months.
My support system including family and long time friends and my ex helped me through the madness I was once again driven to.
You see I didn’t realise I had remained so naive despite the lessons at age 20 because I had never experienced intimate evil cloaked by such a mask of kindness and generosity.
I’m so glad I know now. I am finally prepared for the real world. I am so happy to be free from these experiences, so grateful for the heart I have that will get to love fully again one day. The only thing that saves my self esteem is finally understanding that they won’t experience love with the next girl, or anyone. That took me a long time to believe. Their punishment is never feeling the real joy of falling in love, understanding someone else’s pain, or feeling any other real emotion. A psychopath only feels shallow emotions or mimics those they see, which is why good people believe them. That’s sad I guess, but right now I just feel relieved at my salvation and the daily karma they get purely by living a hollow existence.
Here goes…..I forgive you both for all the pain you inflicted, every anguished moment you caused, and every tear I shed. I forgive you both.
Elated and fucking free.